(Illustration by Jason Katzenstein)

Long before the era of competitive test-taking, New York was an undisputed haven of over-achievers. Parents expect that this need to succeed funnels down to their children. Wanting the best for our kids can mean stressing over finding the right school, navigating the admissions process, then pushing our kids to do their best.

But what happens when their academic performance isn’t what we expect? What happens when they struggle or even fail?

Warning signs. In a Type-A city, kids feel lots of pressure to get nothing but A’s. Still, we want kids to excel in a way that is enjoyable to them. If a child is happy and clearly working hard, the occasional lower grade shouldn’t be cause for a meltdown.

But persistent struggles, disappointment and frustration signal that something more is going on. Whether it’s recurring difficulty with one subject, an overall dread of school, or apparent apathy that may mask feelings of insecurity and failure—you’ve got to know when it’s time to delve deeper.

Trust your instincts. You know your child. You know when things aren’t right. But where to start?

Dialogue. First, talk to your child. Ask a few direct questions. What do they like best about school? What do they like least? It’s best not to offer advice yet. Don’t lecture, just listen—though perhaps with an occasional nudge. Have this chat over ice cream, or walking the dog or after you’ve watched a movie together at home. In other words, pick a low-key, mellow time to bring up a stressful topic.

Most children, especially younger ones, aren’t whiny or lazy or difficult or acting up because they enjoy being a problem. Many of them are doing so as a coping mechanism, or as a way to get attention. Henry Winkler, who is dyslexic, recounted, “I figured out what I was good at in school—and what I was good at was lunch!” Playing the clown was how he made himself feel successful—and luckily for him, it led eventually to an acting career. Kids are smart—they want to feel liked. They don’t want people to focus on their weaknesses! So talking about their problems is not easy.

What should you be listening for? One day when my son was in first grade, on the way home from the park, he confided, “I look at the page that everyone else is looking at and I don’t see what they see. My brain scrambles it up and the letters never come together to make words. I guess I just must be stupid.” His candid, spot-on insight confirmed what we already suspected—he’s definitely not stupid, but he is dyslexic.

But dyslexia is far from the only reason a well-intentioned child can run into trouble. A girl who sits in the back at a table where all the kids talk may have trouble hearing the teacher. A boy might feel so behind in math that he gives up, overwhelmed. Homework gets lost; assignments are forgotten. Some kids can’t take notes fast enough and lose track when the teacher is lecturing.

Neither does early success in school rule out sudden trouble when meeting new milestones. Some kids ace nursery school but get anxious or distracted once the reality of kindergarten hits. Third grade—when kids stop learning how to read and have to read to learn—is a notorious stumbling block. Other kids cruise through elementary school but find the workload and test-mania of middle school a burden they can’t successfully manage, entering a chaotic mess of teenage angst and disorganization.

At any age, time is crucial. Children’s difficulties can compound quickly if parents wait too long to face reality.

Listen and learn. So listen for clues: Is the difficulty subject-specific, or do they struggle with many subjects? Is it organizational? Can they stay focused in class?
Does it have to do with other classroom issues, like seating or social factors? Is there a skill involved that they haven’t mastered? Do they feel like they can go to their teacher for help? (Even with a good teacher, children of any age may feel self-conscious about asking for help.)

Then talk to your child’s teachers. Be open-minded. Ask more questions. And avoid getting defensive or taking any comments personally. Yes, your first instinct is to protect your child. But the sooner you understand their difficulties and devise a plan to help them, the better for all.

Don’t be shocked if your child turns out to have problems with the same things that weren’t easy for you in school. If so, denial, guilt, and frustration may interfere with your more level-headed goals. Acknowledge this slew of emotions, and then get back to the primary focus, your child. The connection can be a source of empathy, but don’t let your experiences dictate any assumptions about your son’s or daughter’s potential.

Once you’ve gathered information from your child, their teachers, and perhaps even your pediatrician, you’ll have a better sense of where to turn. You’ll know if the problems are limited to a single subject, if they have more to do with being organized, or if they are pervasive and may indicate a learning disability.

Time for an evaluation? In an age of diagnosis, some claim learning disabilities are over-diagnosed. Parents of a child with a learning disability would probably disagree. Nearly 20 percent of the population is diagnosed dyslexic alone. (Over-medication for ADHD, which affects five to eight percent of children in the U.S., is a separate matter.) Realizing the underlying challenges their child may face can be a life-changing moment for families.

Teachers can’t diagnose your child, although they often have good instincts about learning disabilities that might be present. Teachers and parents have very different perspectives, explains Jodi Ader, a literacy coach at District 75 (the Department of Education’s citywide district for students with disabilities). “A teacher will see them a very specific set of time, focusing on a very specific skill set. A parent sees them all the time and sees how a learning issue impacts all areas of their lives: when they miss directions in sports, when they can’t read to order off a menu, when they’re stressed or anxious or frustrated.”

Some kids are capable of getting through the day but fall apart after school. Those are the ones who manage to figure out ways around school demands, until those demands increase in upper grades. As Helaina Altabef of Pique Learning reports, middle school is “when kids fall apart—everything is changing. You ask them to write a paper, they have no idea where to start!”

Parents expect schools to produce competitive students, and schools play along. Altabef notes, “Schools often move at a pace that’s so rapid, it’s not ensuring competence. It becomes hard for kids to hold their place even in the middle unless they’re a natural learner. In the fragmentation of today’s world, kids are so distracted, we need to readjust how we teach and how we tutor.”

A neuropsychologist or other trained professional can evaluate your child through a series of activities that test memory, processing, phonemic awareness, sequential learning and other skills. Optometrists can screen for 20/20 vision and eyesight conditions, while audiologists can determine if auditory processing disorder (APD) affects how your child processes information. Pediatricians are a wealth of information, often providing much-needed reassurance and guidance for next steps.

Whether your child is in public or private school, the DOE will evaluate your child for free once you submit a written request. They also provide occupational learning, speech and language, and assistive technology evaluations. (The process differs slightly, depending whether you go through your school or through the district where you live: a school psychologist may either schedule an appointment or pull your child from class several times for the assessment.)

While DOE evaluations can be great, they are also often limited. Private evaluations easily cost $3,000 to $5,000, often not covered by insurance. But private practitioners can spend more time with your child, and are at more liberty to vary the tests used. Their reports typically offer a more in-depth road map of your child’s learning process and issues. They can also be an ongoing contact and independent advocate should you need one.

Learning disabilities and issues that can affect life in the classroom and beyond include dyslexia (reading), dyscalculia (math), dysgraphia (writing), auditory processing disorder (APD), vision, organization, expressive language difficulties and ADHD. (More serious, but rare, are developmental delays, sensory processing, and the autism spectrum.)

The coaching approach. Donna Goldberg, author of The Organized Student, described the plight of students facing the middle school buzz saw: “They felt like they were falling apart, couldn’t find what they needed, and couldn’t get their work done.” Struggling children “were being dismissed as lazy, irresponsible or hopelessly messy and told that they just need to try harder.” As a parent of two sons and former librarian at Dalton, Goldberg saw a need to address the issues of organization. If adults were tapping into self-help books and time-management classes, why not kids, who had more and more to juggle?

Another coach, Kathy Sussell of Bravo Life Coaching, focuses on providing support to teenagers and others with ADHD. “Teenagers with ADHD need a non-judgmental, supportive guide to help them develop organizational and life strategies that complement the way their minds work best.” Fostering these habits can entail “going through binders” to “finding a ‘place’ for homework assignments to live.”

The tutor solution. Are there actually tutors like in Anisha Lakhani’s darkly comic 2008 novel Schooled who do their students’ schoolwork at $250 an hour? Sure—this is New York City after all! But for most parents, a good tutor who understands your child, gives them the support they need, pushes them, motivates them and helps them understand the work is priceless. (And once found, hard to let go—or, to be honest, even share.)

For kids of parents with means, the sky’s the limit. Notes Pique Learning's Altabef, “We have parents who can spend thousands on testing and uncover the range of their children’s learning issues—apathy, organization, ADHD, defiance—every discrepancy in their learning keeps them from really achieving.”

Parents’ attitudes clearly have an impact, and sometimes tutors have to push back: “There are Type-A parents, with good boundaries and expectations but sometimes expecting too much. Then there’s the other end—totally permissive parents, without appropriate boundaries for their kids, afraid to say no.”

Observes Altabef, “Kids are exposed to lifestyles and fabulousness that are really inappropriate for their age, and they try to mimic it. As a tutor, we’re also a coach. We push them to question these values, to help them navigate this world.”

Even parents with limitless resources may need a reality check, according to Altabef. “There’s always been the breed of tutor whose parents are really high-profile, where certain expectations exist. But there’s a fundamental skill set—learning how to be a student, thinker, reader, writer—that’s just not being communicated today. We make it clear to parents that their children are being challenged because they are missing these core skills and readjust their expectations. ”

Word of mouth is one way to find a good tutor. Tutoring services are another. Local colleges and universities, of which the city has an ample supply, can be a source of lower-priced, more readily available—but less experienced—tutors. One Cornell undergrad taking off a year to intern in the city was recently approached to help with test prep. He wondered whether $50 was a fair hourly rate. (I assured him most families would be happy to pay that for a good tutor.) Contact alumni associations and reach out to those Ivy-League actors, musicians and writers in the city with flexible schedules and a level of cool your pre-teen may appreciate.

Of course, many teachers tutor students from other schools. If your child is in regular school and has a learning disability, you can access insight and advice by contacting a private school specialized in LD. The Churchill School has a specialized program for children third grade and younger struggling with reading.

But is there an excess of tutoring? One math tutor, who works with students from the Upper East Side to Brooklyn, observes families now have multiple tutors for each subject. In Manhattan, “seeing a four-year-old with a tutor is not uncommon. At first, I thought it was the child’s nanny.” The protagonist of Schooled faces a turning point after encountering a family that feels forced to hire a tutor, lest their hard-working, intelligent daughter lose out to her classmates. The need for a tutor can depend as much on your children’s school, their workload and other demands on their schedule as on their ability. But it is up to you to set fair expectations and create a healthy balance.

One private school mom told me, “We had a math tutor last year for my daughter, $100 an hour. But that tutor really helped her get it, and now she doesn’t need the extra support.” (How many Manhattan parents would be brave enough to give up their designated time slot with such a gifted instructor?)

Working with your school. If your school sees you as a reasonable partner looking to make the most of your child’s education (without being too demanding) they should welcome you as an involved and caring parent. It can be a challenge to maintain this demeanor while advocating for your child: sometimes the wheel needs to squeak. Write out your concerns and questions—then show them to your partner or a trusted friend. Bring the list with you to the meeting, refer to it, stay focused and take notes.

If your son or daughter has had a private evaluation, or a tutor has made useful comments, you can share those with the school. Or not—some parents are concerned that information might be entered in their child’s records. Others see it as a way for the school to understand your child more fully. Ask first, but only share those findings if you feel it will add something positive.

Your tutor can be in direct contact with teachers, asking for upcoming curriculum details to better prepare. Ask a teacher if they would be open to communicating with your child’s tutor; if so, your involvement can begin and end with an email introduction.

Accommodations, not excuses. Rick Lavoie, educator and advocate known for his FAT City (“Frustration, Anxiety, Tension”) workshops that examine learning disabilities and their effects, explains the concept of “fair” using the example of eyeglasses. Is it fair that Madeline has glasses and Amber doesn’t? Yes, Amber doesn’t need them—she can already read what’s on the board.

And so it goes for making academic accommodations for students with learning disabilities. If Edgar is dyslexic, should he lose points for spelling in his history test? Just as some of us will always have to wear glasses, Edgar might live to be 100 and still have days when he can misspell the word “there” three different ways.

“It’s a common misconception,” says Jodi Ader, “that if a kid can’t spell, they’re not intelligent. And yet, sometimes they are the most intelligent, making these incredible connections and synthesizing ideas in a way that can blow your mind.”

But Ader adds that advocacy for kids’ needs shouldn’t lead them to rely on excuses—particularly to themselves. “Teach students how to find possibilities. If you’re only listening to your own thoughts of how you can’t do something, then you’re listening to your diagnosis and not for all the ways you can move forward.”

Overcoming Dyslexia, by Sally Shaywitz (director of the Yale Center for Dyslexia and Creativity) profiles a surprising array of successful people who are dyslexic, from broker Charles Schwab to author John Irving. Many credit their success to having to figure out early ways to do things that worked for them and the hard work that required. They became creative and disciplined through necessity—skills that served them well in life.

The most effective accommodations for learning disabled students facilitate their access to learning, and give them a chance  to show what they have learned, in ways that are subtle but encouraging: sitting in the front of the classroom, extended time on tests, pre-assignment of books, or use of technology. Besides Shaywitz’s book, helpful resources include When The Brain Can’t Hear by Teri James Bellis, the Child Mind Institute on Park Avenue, which offers lectures and evaluations, and national organizations like the National Center for Learning Disabilties.

And always listen to your child. In third grade, my son described his classroom as “wallpapered in anxiety,” because he couldn’t read anything posted on the wall. When teachers asked a question, other kids could read the answer off the wall and he couldn’t. Our solution: we stayed after school one day and read everything together. I wrote it down for him to refer to at home.

Moving on. It does happen. Private schools, charter schools, even public schools will “recommend” that a student would be better suited to a different learning environment. And when a student is counseled out, it’s often not handled well.

If you’ve reached this point, be sure to take a step back and think about what would be best for your child. Keep fighting an uphill battle to stay at a place that isn’t willing to work with you anymore? Is it fair to force children to keep pushing themselves to keep up or fit in? Could you get the school to work with you to suggest or even secure a spot at a more appropriate place?

And maybe you’ve recognized that there are schools more in keeping with your child’s learning style. If so, then move on. As you know, not every job is a perfect fit. The same goes for schools. And with a city crammed with as many stellar schools as New York City, there are always options.

BAMkids Film Festival short directed by Jerry Lee.

Tickets for the popular the BAMkids Film Festival go on sale January 7; a BAM spokesperson has informed Scooter. The festival, which is celebrating 15 years of delivering cinematographic excellence to an often under-appreciated demographic, will showcase some 76 films from 24 countries, several of which will be world premieres. The 2013 festival will take place at BAM Rose Cinemas in Fort Greene, Brooklyn over the weekend of February 2 and 3 and targets an audience ages 2-10 and their families.

"Watching movies shouldn't be a passive experience and at the BAMkids Film Festival, it isn't,” explained festival curator Nicole Dreiske. “The whole lobby, four cinemas, and BAMcafé become a festival ‘fun zone’ with activities and discussions designed to make the experience memorable and interactive for even the littlest cinephiles."

This year, organizers have confirmed the “Animation Extravaganza,” an all-animation program geared for ages 7-9 that will include six international features as well as two short film programs for toddlers.

Cinematic themes addressed in this season’s line-up range from fantasy to self-discovery and adventure. An interactive feature of the festival will be post-screening Q&As with the filmmakers where kids can ask anything about the films they just watched. Additionally, attendees can vote for their favorite movies in a variety of categories (best feature, best animated short, best live-action short and best short film for 2–5 year olds) for the 2013 BAMmies awards.

“Every year the quantity, quality, and diversity of the Festival’s films increases,” said Suzanne Youngerman, director of Education and Family Programs at BAM. “We are proud to offer this rich array of films that stimulate children’s imaginations, broaden their horizons, and appeal to adults as well. In addition to the films, we are also excited to present two of Brooklyn’s most beloved bands—The Deedle Deedle Dees and The Suzi Shelton Band. This year the Festival is part of a new expanded BAMfamily season of films, live performances, and workshops that will offer families a full slate of innovative programming.”

Tickets can be purchased at the BAM Rose Cinemas box office, online at BAM.org, or via phone at 718.777.FILM. Updates and a detailed schedule of events and pricing can be found at BAM.org/Family.

On Tuesday, STK OUT will be serving sugary snacks should all that ice carving leave you hungry. Dress warmly and be mindful of the chainsaws and flying ice chips!

(GETTY)

"Find Your Voice" is the latest song release and hopeful holiday classic from Grammy award winner Sarah McLachlan.

“Christmas is a difficult time for many both economically and emotionally and I hope this Gift of Music can help in some small way,” she said in a statement. “My holiday wish is that we can all find the good in everyone and in every situation and be kind to each other. I wish you all a very happy, peaceful holiday filled with love, laughter and light!"

Co-written with longtime collaborator Pierre Marchand, "Find Your Voice" features background vocals and percussion from the students of the Sarah McLachlan School of Music.

Even more impressive is that Ms. McLachlan has pledged 100% of the proceeds made from the song to support Sarah McLachlan School of Music in its mission to continue providing exceptional opportunities for at-risk youth to learn music. the school. “Find Your Voice” will be offered free of charge at SarahMcLachlan.com in the hopes that people will make a donation for the song out of generosity. The song is also available as part of a worldwide release on iTunes and via digital music services.

Keep your ears open for Sarah McLachlan's next  album slated to be on shelves next spring.

Santa Claus at Catimini!

Tomorrow, from 2p.m. to 5p.m., Santa will be making a pause goûter at the Catimini boutique at 1125 Madison Avenue (at 84th Street) for a fabulous afternoon of holiday shopping and snacks. Children are invited with their families to this up-beat event and share their Christmas wishes with Santa, discover that perfect Chanukah gift or browse the hip children’s wear. There will even be a special mail box delivering directly to the North Pole, and of course, you can pose with Mr. Claus.

A trendy destination for stylish young ones for more than 35 years, Catimini offers a vibrant, yet chic design concept that is a solid match for New York City kids avec attitude.

Welcome to Who-Ville

For those less in the holiday spirit, who need to be reminded of the importance of cheer, Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas! The Musical has opened this weekend at Theater at Madison Square Garden. With near-daily shows now through December 30, the spectacle is bound to delight with its visually impressive costuming and set design--not to mention--classic songs like the Who-Ville anthem “Welcome Christmas” and “You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch.

Tomorrow there are three shows (1p.m., 4p.m. and 7p.m.) and on Sunday there will be two fantastic performances (1p.m. and 4p.m.) For more information and a preview of the show, click here.

Debra Simon, Vice President and Artistic Director of Arts Brookfield, commented that “Arts Brookfield is committed to presenting an array of free holiday events that celebrate New York City's dazzling cultural tapestry.”

And with that, next week the excitement for holiday-lovers of all ages gets ramped up when Santa makes a weekend visit to the Winter Garden December 7-9.

Those with a song in their hearts can enjoy 15-minute Christmas Carol during lunchtime, where just two actors of New York Classical Theatre perform the memorable Dickens' characters in record time (December 10-20).

On December 11, Danú, an Irish ensemble, will perform traditional Celtic holiday songs and on December 13, Chanukah will be celebrated with a special performance by Turtle Island Quartet. The eclectic foursome will also play music of India’s Diwali as well as songs from Vince Guaraldi’s A Charlie Brown Christmas.

The National Yiddish Theatre-Folksbiene alongside special musical guests will commemorate the Festival of Lights with Yiddish music and theater at noon on December 16.

A more detailed calendar of the center’s family-friendly daytime events is available online.

Merida on ice!

Love it or hate it, the new Barclays Center in downtown Brooklyn is a hit. From Barbra Streisand and Journey to the Brooklyn Nets and Bob Dylan, the venue has attracted some of the biggest names in sports and entertainment. Now the young ones will have something to rejoice about: on Tuesday, November 27, Disney On Ice will debut Rockin’ Ever After at Barclays Center.

Produced by Feld Entertainment, the spectacle presents a new twist on fairytales and several Disney stories that we all know quite well... Think Ariel, Rapunzel, Belle, and Merida (of Disney•Pixar’s smash hit Brave).

“The most exciting part of bringing a fearless and independent character like Merida to the ice for the first time is knowing that she has a powerful and inspiring message to deliver about finding the courage to determine one’s own fate,” said producer Nicole Feld. “We think her story translates well to the ice and will really resonate with today’s audience.”

The show says it's a lively production that features appearances by characters from The Little Mermaid, Tangled, Beauty and the Beast as well as Mickey and Minnie Mouse. The real pull here for families, aside from the famous Disney characters, upbeat music and top-notching scenic design, should be Cindy Stuart's fantastic choreography. Having worked with figure skating Olympic Gold Medalists Robin Cousins, Katarina Witt and Jamie Salé and David Pelletier, she is a ice legend in her own right. Expect incredible spins, footwork and jumping from all the skaters.

The Disney On Ice Barclays Center performance schedule is as follows:

Tuesday, November 27– 7:00pm

Wednesday, November 28 – 7:00pm

Thursday, November 29 – 7:00pm

Friday, November 30 – 7:00pm

Saturday, December 1– 11:00am, 3:00pm and 7:00pm

Sunday, December 2 – 11:00am and 3:00pm

Tickets for Rockin’ Ever After are available at Barclays Center Box Office, Ticketmaster outlets, by phone at 1-800-745-3000 and online at Ticketmaster.com.

Joining these ranks is British retailer Caramel Baby & Child, which recently opened its first stand-alone across the Big Pond.

This 1244 Madison Avenue location means business too. Eva Karayiannis, who founded the brand in 1999 as a departure from flashy, big department store brands has created both boys’ and girls’ collections that boast classic British tailoring and quality, yet a level of practicality that matches the upper-crust lifestyle of busy bodies from ages 3 months to 12 years. The Manhattan boutique will stock not only these gorgeous fashion collections, but Caramel Baby & Child’s home collection, fanciful toys, accessories and books. A dress will set you back about $150 and a boy's Dickens double-breasted coat in dogtooth plaid will run just under $300.

The aesthetic is not quite bohemian, but not too conservative; we’ll call it curiously posh!

The Gaga Center is taking part in this HealthCorps benefit event, which promotes national wellness and childhood obesity, by offering its signature, one-hour Open Gaga session for free.

Reservations are required, and sessions will close when they have reached maximum capacity said the center, but The Gaga Center will donate 10% of merchandise and Open Gaga five- and ten-pack purchases on October 13 to HealthCorps.

Other studios offering kids’ programming for Sweaty Saturday include exhale and Yogi Beans, SLT Yoga, The Little Yoga Mat and Exceed Fitness, which will have kids conditioning and a nutrition seminar parents can sit in on during the kids’ class.

Here is The Gaga Center schedule for tomorrow.

11:00am Open Gaga Grades Pre-K through 1
11:00am Open Gaga Grades 2-3
11:00am Open Gaga Grades 4 through 6

12:00pm Open Gaga Grades Pre-K through 1
12:00pm Open Gaga Grades 2-3
12:00pm Open Gaga Grades 4 through 6

“Breast cancer awareness is a cause that could not be any closer to my heart," the star commented, "so I’m thrilled to be able to give back through my involvement with FabKids."

Each outfit, which cater to girls ages 2-8,  retails for $39.95 and is already for sale online.

“I am so proud and appreciative that FabKids is supporting Right Action for Women,” Ms. Applegate said. “The funds raised from this program will help educate even more women about their risk for breast cancer.”